One of my wishlist is to further study abroad. And since I'm currently stuck in the legal world, the choices are limited. I guess the subjects that I can proceed is law, or language. To tell the truth, I never have any passion in law. But language, that I do. I find that it is one interesting, variety and colourful subject.

Anyways, now that I am determined to proceed to make this one wish to come true, I have been doing surveys and research on preferred universities that I hope I will be accepted. The initial plan was to do Masters in Environmental law. But then again, I think that options are wider if I take general instead of specialising in one area of law. Damn, I hate it when I have second thoughts after I have made a decision!
>.<

Nevertheless, despite the excitement and determination, I can't help thinking whether this option is another way for me to escape. Escape from reality. From difficulty, from all the struggles and the boredom that I have to endure everyday when I go to work.

I have been struggling with my work ever since I did my pupillage. Heck, I've been struggling with this career issue for years. It is not my passion. As pathetic as it may sound like, I trust in the words of Confucius; "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life". Most people are able to accept the reality and the fact that it doesn't matter if you can't have the job that you want, life goes on. But I can't. It is my weakness. I cannot do my best, I cannot put my all in something which I don't have any interest in. God knows how much I tried to suck it up. I succeeded after 4 years of studying, I managed to get through 9 months of pupillage, but I can't deal with this anymore. It is tiring, and the negative energy consumes me day by day. I forget how to actually live a life on my choice. I forget how to feel happy, like, really happy. I don't have the excitements anymore. I used to try and go out as much as possible, just to see people, to walk around, and see the world. But now I choose to stay at home, facing the laptop, watching some old movies I downloaded and dread at the thought of working the next day. It's not healthy, I am aware of that. I'm getting depressed at the thought that this might be how I'm going to have to live my life. For a long time.

Perhaps this is why I want to stop working and to further study. I want to get out of this tiring, depressing lifestyle. I want to take another option. But I am not sure whether by studying abroad is the best way. Because while I thought that it might be a way for me to discover and to broaden my options, it might also be a form of escape. And I fear at the thought of failing again. Education doesn't come cheap nowadays, and I cannot keep disappointing and troubling my family just because of my identity & career crisis.

I am lost.